The Woman Of My Dreams

“Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.” — Timothy Leary

I like men.

I always have. ¬†I have learned that men are not women and in our “progressive” society, we have to stop thinking that they are or at least that men and women are interchangeable. ¬†My children have showed me that from a very early age, boys and girls process the same information or set of facts in two different ways. ¬†As I learn what that means about grown boys, I begin to understand who and what I have to be to get what I want. ¬†I have learned that I need to be simply me, a sometimes illogical, almost always goofy, needs a hug daily, wants to feel secure, sometimes tomboy/sometimes girly, woman.

I, as all women do have the image of a perfect man in my head. ¬†While each woman’s desires vary about the man of their dreams, I can specifically describe the man who lives in mine. ¬†He is my version of perfectly sexy and thinks that I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. ¬†He works hard, laughs often, and complains rarely. ¬†I can probably go through and size up a whole host of men and decide whether or not he has what I like or if he’s “sponge-worthy” but what it comes down to is not him at all. ¬†I can fantasize, write about, and even draw pictures of him but none of that will ultimately satisfy me. ¬†I have discovered that the only satisfaction that there is to find when you are opening yourself up to romantic relationships is that you are first happy with you. ¬†I have learned that if I want to attract the man of my dreams, I will have to make sure that I am the woman of MY dreams.

Image courtesy of strongwomenquotes.org

When My Peace Is Chased To The Corners Of My Mind

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”¬†

One of the things that my mother taught me very early in my life is how to have a personal relationship with God. ¬†She did not explain it to me in words, rather she showed me as she would sing and hum to comfort herself in obviously stressful times. ¬†When she would become frustrated and before screaming at us, take a deep breath, close her eyes and after whispering, “Lord help me”, would continue to correct us. ¬†I have learned that this life is not fair, but God is always good.

Image Courtesy of Brian Andreas

However, I am learning to listen to His voice in me and often, in the midst of four laughing, screaming little angels, it is difficult.

In the midst of getting up early to workout and in the rush out the door to work, I miss Him.

As I move through my day and help people accomplish various tasks, I have trouble hearing Him.

And then, in the quiet of the evening, before I lay down my head, I hear Him.

I see Him.

I am reminded of who He is and of who I am.

Image courtesy of ronbigelow.com

While He may be in the church service with the flashing lights and wonderful music, He is with me when my eyes flutter open and I only want 30 more minutes to sleep.  He may be in the loudly prayed prayers of various people, but He is with me when I am making my morning coffee and waiting on the turkey bacon to finish cooking.  Many feel that He is in the miracle service and He is, but He is also with me when I am helping a co-worker or soothing my child as she fights sleep.

I am choosing to write this because He is with you too. ¬†His voice is within you and speaking to you. ¬†So, as I lay me down to sleep and think on the day that has passed, I remember that I don’t have to know all of the answers. ¬†I certainly don’t have to answer to another human being about what God has put within me, I only have to know what I learned as a very small child.

Image courtesy of allabouttheheart.wordpress.com

“I had a talk with God last night. ¬†I cried oh Lord, please make things alright. ¬†He said, “I’m God, all by myself. ¬†If you have Me, you’ll need no one else.” I said, “Thank God, for now I see. ¬†Thank you for giving me victory.” Whenever I need Him, He’s so good to me. ¬†I had a talk with God last night.” ¬†—Pastor Mitty Collier

Coming To Terms With My Own Fallacies

I’ve always been the smart girl in the group. ¬†Everyone knows that in most groups of people you will have different types that fall into a category or two and end up being defined by that. ¬†You may have the artsy one, the cute one, the tall one, the fat one, or like me the smart one. ¬†I have taken pride in my intelligence and I even proudly own the term bookworm. ¬†However, my paradigm is shifting as I fight my bad habits of soothing my emotions by eating and realize how much I have had to push to achieve my now 60 pound weight loss.

I used to believe that people who were in shape or healthy or athletic were somehow shallow and self absorbed.  I used to attribute their beautiful, healthy bodies to good genes or enough money to workout all day and therefore belonged to group that would never include me.  I used to believe that some people were just meant to be fat or big boned or plump.  The longer that I look at my changing body and look toward my goal of losing another 40-50 pounds (maybe more) I realize that not only will I belong to that group of people, it forces me to come to terms with my own devastatingly flawed thinking.

I must now admit that the people who I looked at with awe because of their flawless looking figures are usually VERY hard working, intelligent people.  They usually understand sacrifice and selflessness more than most people who spend their days eating doughnuts and drinking sodas.  While there are shallow people in every demographic that can possibly be defined, people who spend time pre-preparing healthy, clean meals and pushing their bodies past the limit to strengthen it should not be thrown into that category willy-nilly.  I have had to admit that my thought process was in fact prejudiced, ignorant and frankly, based on jealousy.  Getting in shape requires something that most Americans do not understand, sacrifice.  Staying in shape requires something that even fewer people execute on, that thing called follow through or consistency.  Feeding your body properly, bringing your temptations under control and challenging your own limitations in order to reach a goal is how you build character.  Anyone can simply eat whatever is convenient or what is put in front of you, it requires effort to make sure that what you are consuming is beneficial and lines up with your personal objectives.

This post may not be as sexy as the previous, but I had to write it because it speaks to me. ¬†So, I will continue waking up at 5:45am to do a workout in my living room before my four children wake up. ¬†I will continue to avoid making excuses when I don’t feel up to it or realize that I may be taking on feats beyond what I can handle because I am a single mother. ¬†I will continue to consistently push toward my goal by prepping my meals ahead of time and even when the scale doesn’t move or goes up a couple of pounds I will be relentless in my pursuit knowing that at the end of the day, hard work always pays off. ¬†I will do this because I want to teach my children to believe in themselves but more than that, I want me to believe in me.

Testing Out My Man Goggles

“A man marries a woman hoping she won’t change but a woman marries a man expecting he will.” — Author Unknown

We often hear the clich√©, “men are visual creatures” and while men who say it understand, I’m not sure that women do. ¬†I am not a man, nor will I claim to understand everything about them, but I believe that I am growing to understand more about them and some of my best teachers are my six and four year old sons.

As a single mother of four, I am frequently tired although I have found more ways to take care of myself including losing 60 pounds in the last 18 months. ¬†During this time, I have noticed that my boys react to me in different ways depending upon how I look. ¬†Initially, I brushed it off, but eventually I had to investigate further. ¬†What I have realized is that many, if not most, men quite literally interpret everything in their world through their visual cortex. ¬†I highlight this in comparison to a woman’s tendency to process her world through her relationships with others. ¬†What I am realizing, a bit late mind you, is the effect that a woman’s changing look can have on her relationships with the men in her life, specifically the one with whom she is romantically involved.

I am considering the point of a reasonable man who is intelligent enough to understand that a woman’s body will change if she has carried and birthed children. ¬†Also, a man who would understand if his lady has a chronic illness or there are circumstances beyond her control that has changed the way that she looks. ¬†Aside from these natural changes or unpreventable circumstances, many women simply give up or fail to recognize what their 30+ pound weight gain can do to their relationship. ¬†To draw a parallel that almost anyone can understand, I will compare it to a man who has given up on his attempts to further his career or provide for his family and who slowly allows his job performance to slip and eventually gets fired or laid off. ¬†I have personally dealt with such a man in a relationship and it is no less than a complete let down and can easily be a deal breaker. ¬†If my premise is correct, a man who must watch his girlfriend or wife gain weight for no other reason than pure apathy, why is it not the same?

Why is a woman who leaves a shiftless man applauded as being strong, but if a man leaves his woman because she stopped making an effort and gained weight for no clinical reason, he’s an asshole?

I would assert that he is not, and it is for this reason that I now view the chocolate brownies, doughnuts and cupcakes, and fried things that seem to hover in my world constantly through a completely different lens. ¬†While I would encourage that people live their lives and have the occasional treat (1-2 times per month), I would say that it is time for people living in this age of entitlement to grow up and look the truth in the face. ¬†Can and should are completely different things; just because you can eat something does not mean that you should. ¬†When I am faced with a decision about what to eat or whether or not I should wake up at 5:45am to exercise, I remember what my goals are. ¬†Yes, I want to be healthy and feel good and all of those great things. ¬†However, what I have to admit to myself is that at the end of all of this exercise and clean eating, I want one thing. ¬†I want to make the man who I select to be in a long-term, sexually-active relationship with absolutely crazy when I stand before him naked. ¬†ūüėČ

Dating “outside of your race”: a paradigm shift—or is it?

I just watched a funny and insightful¬†YouTube¬†episode of The Misadventures of Awkward Black Girl¬†and I must admit I almost feel forced to react to it. ¬†I’m not sure who I should credit with the humor and truthful observations but I will credit those who are attempting to shed some light on the seriously outdated and ignorant stereotypes, typically held by blacks, that where highlighted in this clip.

We can start with how annoyingly wrong the ditsy, misinformed friend of the main character was as she is certain that she knows “what white guys want” and influences her friend to be casual when it is inappropriate. ¬†The cute (white) guy, Jay, who is attempting to impress the awkward black girl (ABG) and makes bad assumptions about her preferences rather than just being himself evokes the right amount of pity as he sits through some uncomfortable, nearly emasculating moments. ¬†And the main character is heart-warming as she finds a way to loosen up and just be herself while standing up for what is right. ¬†Now that we’ve visited the positives, let’s look at those awful characters who were supposed to be¬†caricatures¬†of actual people, but quite unfortunately they describe, almost to a tee, some very real people and their reactions to chocolate and vanilla people enjoying each other’s company…potentially sexually ūüėČ .

There were the men who showed obvious resentment for ABG being out on a date with a cute white man and black women who rolled their eyes. ¬†There was the ex-boyfriend who thought he’d driven her to do something strange. ¬†There was the disgusting woman at the spoken word event who continually made references to her dislike of pastel, pink, or light colored penises (to which I could only think, what does penis color matter, and what has a “big, black dick” done for you than another one can’t…get you knocked up and left alone with too many kids to raise?)…perhaps you can tell I took particular issue with that one, eh?

Despite all of those people, I was the most disappointed with ABG when at the end, she failed to kiss the cute guy that she was obviously attracted to because someone she knew had a reaction to cute guy’s skin color. ¬†I suppose it was enough to get me to want to see another episode, but left me ticked that she would succumb to pressure that is only applied when it is convenient for the other people to feel good about themselves, but where are those same people when companionship is being sought?

I decided long ago to stop limiting myself to one skin color of man and found that I could truly enjoy myself, not because my date was not black, but because I stopped reminding both of us that I was…